Vol V Issue VI: A Grain of Salt by Zach Williams

It has been brought to my attention that in my last article concerning Westminster’s “Bonus Bucks” I was, in point of fact, talking out of my ass. It turns out that if I had attended even a single RHA meeting, I would have learned the cause of my frustrations and the reasoning behind them. Although, to be fair, I hardly ever actually know what I’m talking about anyway. I just wanted to get that out of the way before I get to the main part of the article. Sorry about that.

So, how about some news that doesn’t make me look like a monumental jackass? What about those Israelis and Palestinians? It’s pretty crazy stuff, isn’t it? Every time I turn around, those people seem to find some new way of royally pissing each other off. Some people say that we should support the Israelis, as we have been doing for quite some time, while others say that the Palestinians have a more legitimate right to the land. I say screw ‘em both (I am just really bad at not looking like a jackass, aren’t I?) If they can’t get along after hundreds of years, I don’t see why we should cater to either of their needs. If the fighting has managed to go on for this long, chances are there are some gigantic assholes on both sides of the fence. Even now, I’m doing something to help the progress of peace over there; I’m providing both sides with someone to be mad at. That’s me in a nutshell, though. I’m just a giver. Seriously, what’s so great about this place? You can be just as Jewish/Christian/Muslim outside of Jerusalem as you can inside of it. Is it about bragging rights or something? Does whoever owns this city get the privilege to rub it in everybody else’s faces? The country wasn’t even a very good idea in the first place. We knew that the plan to split up Palestine was going to seriously piss a lot of people off, yet we went ahead and did it anyway. It should probably be noted that I’m not talking about the complete population of either side of the conflict in this article; I’m simply talking about the people who keep fucking things up. First of all, we’ve got the Jewish Israelis who, admittedly, have had a bit of a rough time of it throughout history. It seems like every time they turn around, someone
else is trying to exterminate them, so I can understand a little bit of paranoia on their part. On the other hand, though, they’ve been pretty gigantic dicks recently. Without any end in sight to the growth of the settlements on the West Bank and the recent incident where they completely flipped out on Gaza, Israel really isn’t the perfect little angel a lot of people seem to make it out to be. It probably also doesn’t help their case that the Israeli lobby in the United States is so eager to go after anyone who they perceive as not being at least 200% in support of every and anything Israel does. On the other side of the rocket-lined razor wire fence, we’ve got the media’s favorite punching bag, the Palestinians. Again, not exactly a history filled with rainbows and gumdrops. Also again, not exactly the best role models in the world at this point. You’d think that after the last few years of firing rockets at Israel not working, they’d have figured out by now that it’s not going to work. Seriously guys, I’m no military genius, but if something doesn’t bring about the outcome you want for this long, I think you can be pretty certain that it’s not going to. It really just seems like a gigantic waste of money at this point. Actually, they’re a lot like Israel in some respects. Lack of concern for civilians, huge amounts of propaganda dissing their enemy, and, last but not least, the same overwhelming desire to live Jerusalem for some reason.

Since I’ve devoted so much time to bitching about both sides, I bet you’re wondering if I’ve got any better ideas. I’m so glad you asked! Here’s what we do. Get an equal number of ambassadors and diplomats and whatnot from both sides of the conflict in one room and have Samuel L. Jackson mediate the talks. Every time either side makes an unreasonable demand, Mr. Jackson is authorized to call him/her a motherfucker and throw him/her out of the room. What constitutes an unreasonable demand will be left up to the discretion of Mr. Jackson. Once both sides get down to only one person left (trust me, this is inevitable), the next person to make an unreasonable demand will cause Mr. Jackson to flip the table over, yell “Fuck this!” and leave the room, locking the door behind them. A giant screen would then roll down and they would both be forced to watch Uwe Boll movies until they manage to come up with something Mr. Jackson deems acceptable. I find it inexplicable that I have not yet been put into a leading role for the United Nations for diplomatic relations. Some people just don’t recognize genius when they see it. I’d just like to point out once again that this article is most definitely not aimed towards the general populations of these two antagonists. Most of the ordinary people are actually nice, decent human beings who would really rather not be a part of all this. It’s the jackholes who can’t seem to learn when it’s time to put down the guns that are screwing everything up. A lot of people make the mistake of thinking that if they’re not for one side, then they have to be for the other. This is simply not true. Both sides here are being extremely childish, and I don’t really think either of them deserves to get what they’re fighting for. If there was a way to only allow the level-headed people live there and send the rest to Antarctica or something, I’d support that in a heartbeat. Sadly, there’s no such method I’m aware of, so we’ll just have to go with my Samuel L. Jackson idea. It’s better than anything else that’s being tried.